Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
