I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
tell me about the eggs
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
