just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
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