You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
