...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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