Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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