just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
