if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
