Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
