Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
