I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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