If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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