There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
