I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
