I should be sponsored by Trojan
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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