I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
