I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
