My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
