I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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