If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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