Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
