I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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