He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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