There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize