You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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