Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
