my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
