Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
This girl is more easily done than said...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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