The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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