Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
