Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
