you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Randomize