I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm getting married
To pizza
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
