i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
