Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize