drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize