Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
