we have officially mastered the walk of shame
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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