My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
