I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
