When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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