tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Randomize
