just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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