just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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