mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
