I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
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