he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
