he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize