Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
