there's paper in my vomit.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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