My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize