I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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