she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Randomize