I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
