im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
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