Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
