Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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