He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
