His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
