i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
