That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
