I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
