It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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